I Learn the Power of Two Coconuts and Sex

It feels good to be back to Koh Samui Thailand again.  After a two month break from Thailand it was time to return to my second home.  And what better to way to celebrate a home coming than a night out on the town….which always means something new.

I won’t bore you with the details of the early part of the night.  To sum it up, drinking, playing pool, and having great time with friends.

It’s 5:42am.  I see an amazing girl walk into the club.  And when I say amazing, I mean amazing. She is the closest thing to a solid 9.5 that I’ve ever seen in Thailand.

I look at her, I look at my watch, and I look at her again.  Far too late for a girl like that to be in Sound Club.

(Why is it too late for a beautiful girl to be at Sound Club?  I consider it “science”.  After 5am every night for the last two years, all the hot girls are no where to be found.  They either went home with a guy or went home alone.)

(This is why prime hunting time for Samui is between 3:30am to 4:45am.  At this time, you can leverage the lateness of the night.  Meaning, you know they are out that late because they don’t already have a guy.  And for those of you who don’t mind paying, this is how you can get freelancers to come with you for free or at a discounted rate.  You are their last chance for a little action that night.)

I look again at the girl who just walked in.  Face of an angel, great body, nice ass, and even better breasts… 

But, I can’t argue with science, it’s after 5am so there must be something wrong with her.  Girls that look like her don’t walk into Sound Club after 5am. In fact, girls like that are rarely seen on Koh Samui.

I walk to her, make eye contact, smile, and inspect the goods a bit closer.  Ah ha, I’ve got it.  She must be a ladyboy.  The body looks perfect and she isn’t short.

When I’m this drunk, that means a ladyboy

Me:  “I thought ladyboys weren’t allowed in here.”

She looks up at me in shock.  I smile.  She says she’s not a lady boy.

“Bullshit.”  I then go to join Timmy at the bar and order two tequila shots and a couple Sam Miguel lights.  Timmy pays.  I thank him.  Coming back after a couple months does carry some advantages.

I take a seat and gaze at the dance floor judging the women who are left to choose from.

I once heard, “a 5 in your bed is better than a 10 in your head.”  Meaning, it’s better to get laid by an ugly girl than not get laid at all.  But looking at my options, I just couldn’t agree.  All I saw were 30 year olds, women who have had babies, and the ugly ones you wouldn’t fuck even if your friends weren’t around.

“I’m not a lady boy!”

I turn around and see the beautiful ladyboy again.  I think to myself, it’s not fair that they can look so good…

Me:  “What?”
Ladyboy:  “I’m not a fucking lady boy.”
Me:  “Okay, bye.”

I turn my back to her.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up.  I turn around and he-she is still there looking at me.

Fine, I’ll play the game with the he-she.

“Why are you so tall?” I ask.

She looks at me.

“Give me your hand.”  I take her hand, it’s smaller than mine.

I look at her feet…they really aren’t “that” big.

I then raise her hand and have her spin for me.  I notice that the Adam’s apple isn’t showing.

I wonder…could I be wrong…

“Come with me.”  I take her hand and walk to Timmy and his Thai girlfriend, Ae.

“Ae, is she a lady boy?”

Ae looks at me, looks at her, and looks back at me:

“No”

The wheels start spinning slowly as I get a grasp on the situation…wait a second, if she’s not a ladyboy…..then that means…..she is a ridiculously hot girl!!!

(A strange thing to think, I know.  But the fact of the matter is, most ladyboys have amazing bodies they buy from plastic surgeons which are far better than most of the women in Thailand.  Still, if they were born with a dick, they will get no action from me.)

I look at the “girl” with a new set of drunken eyes.

I take her hand, “Come with me.  It’s too loud in here, let’s go upstairs and talk.”

“No.”

“No?” I ask completely shocked.

“No.”

Fuck, I’ve got some work to do…

I get the bartenders attention.  “One Sam Miguel light.”  I turn around to the “girl” and ask what she wants.

She says nothing and turns her back on me.

Damn, I was hoping buying her a drink would save me from this…

I would have to talk with her and pretend to be interested in what she has to say.

Sometimes life can be such a bitch!

I put on the smile and ask the standard questions:  What’s your name?  Where are you from?  What kind of work do you do?  Etc…  You know, the kind of stuff that used to matter before Thailand.

30 minutes later we are upstairs on the VIP sofa and my hand is down her pants doing the final check.

“Definitely a lady.”

“What?”  She says.

“Don’t worry about it.”

I kiss her.  I ask again what she’s doing in Samui.  She said she already told me.

I tell her I forgot.

“I am here to buy coconuts.  I drive here from ????? and buy coconuts.  Then I sell them in my home.”

I tell her that’s cool and that it’s time to go.

Lady:  “Go where?”
Me:  “My place.”
Lady:  “I can’t.”

I give her a small look of disgust.  “You can’t.  Why, you want money?”

Lady:  “No, I not bar girl.  I don’t want money, I want coconut.”
Me:  “You want coconut???
Lady:  “Yes.”
Me:  “And how many coconuts do you want?”
Lady:  “I want 1,000 coconut.”

I think about it for a few seconds…

Me: “And how much does one coconut cost?”
Lady:  “2 baht.”

I do the math…it takes me longer than I would care to admit…so she wants 2,000 baht…about 60 dollars…

I give her a serious look…

“I will give you two coconuts.”  I’m very proud I manage to say it with a straight face.

She thinks I’m joking and laughs.  I laugh.  We talk for 10 minutes and then we are walking out of the club hand in hand.

“Where is your car?” I ask.

“It’s over there.”

I tell her that I’ll drive, she agrees.  We walk to a large black SUV with tinted windows.  I open the door and I see a 60 year old Thai woman with no teeth sleeping in the passenger seat.

I look at Coconut Girl, “What the hell is this?”

I see movement in the back seat.  A boy around the age of 15 years old sits up and looks at me in the upset way you look at someone who just woke you up.

Me:  “Who are these people?”
Lady:  “That’s my mom and my brother.”
Me:  “They sleep in the car?”
Lady:  “Yes.”
Me:  “Why?”

She looks at me.

I look back.

Me:  “Fuck this, we’re taking my moped.”
Lady:  “No, we take car.”
Me:  “I’m not taking a car full of your family to my place.  What are they going to do, hang out while we fuck?
Lady:  “Yes.”

I give the thought some serious consideration.  I look at her mom again and ask the gods, “Why can’t she be thirty years younger with teeth?”

Ultimately, I decide taking the car would be a bad idea.  Besides, she doesn’t exactly know how far away I live.

Five minutes later we are on my moped heading to my house.  She asks how far, I tell her just a few more minutes.  Ten minutes later she asks how far, I tell her just a few more minutes.

Twenty minutes later she really asks, “How much further?”

“Just a few more minutes,” I respond as we pull up on my house.

– – – – – – – – – –

Her body is even better with no clothes on.  For being 20 years old, she is quite skilled in bed.  I’m very satisfied.

Me:  “Okay, time to go.”
Lady:  “How much you pay me?”
Me:  “Pay you?  I told you already.”
Lady:  “2,000 baht?”
Me:  “2 coconuts.”

She is not happy with my response.  She sits down on my sofa and tells me she’s not leaving.

“Good, I like looking at you, you’re very beautiful.”  I open my laptop and check email.

Thirty minutes later, “You give me 2,000 baht”.

“No.”

“You give me 2,000 baht,” she says again.

By now I’m starting to get horny again…

“No.  I told you last night that I don’t pay for sex.  I never said that I would give you 2,000 baht, I told you two coconuts.  Rule number one in business, if you’re going to offer a service, make sure both parties agree on a price before the service is rendered.”

I sit next to her on the sofa and give her a kiss.  We fuck again.

An hour later we are back on my moped driving to her car.  I stop along the way.

“Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

A few minutes later I come back with a gift.

“They weren’t cheap, 40 baht for two coconuts.  What is this world coming to…”

She looks at me.

I look back smiling…

Posted on Gods of Thailand April 27, 2011 in Stories from Gods of Thailand

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